Transactional vs. Transformational Relationships
BlOG 4
The Buddhist concept of ‘Bianhua’ refers to the process of transforming one’s self and relationships. To indulge in a relationship as it grows from a caterpillar to a full fledged butterfly. When alluding to such relationships we often think of our parents, our coaches, teachers or childhood friends. Our parents and family members watch us grow throughout life and that is the purest form of a transformational relationship. As we get older and get caught in the hustle of life, these transformational relationships are harder to come by.
Transformational in the sense that the person only wants the ultimate best for you, there’s no byproduct to which they’ll receive aside from the fact of you being a ‘transformed’ and ‘better’ person than the version of you that they met.
To care, love, and respect one's partner, or family member.
The concept of marriage has ancient origins, dating back thousands of years. The earliest recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies dates back to around 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans.
Initially, marriage was primarily about securing alliances and establishing family ties, often influenced by social, economic, and political factors. And, during this period marriage was based on the aspect of being ‘better off’ with whichever partner you chose. It became a financial contract, to financial freedom. Romantic love as a basis for marriage, became recognized much later. Particularly during the Middle Ages in Europe, this notion of "courtly love" emerged during the 11th to 13th centuries and was characterized by its chivalric. To which it emerged as an idealized portrayal of love between a knight and a noblewoman, who was usually married to another man.
Romantic love, as we understand it today, continued to evolve and became more prominent during the Renaissance and the Enlightenment periods. Literature from these eras, such as Shakespeare's plays, further cemented the concept of romantic love. Therefore, by the 18th and 19th centuries, romantic love had become a significant aspect of marriage and relationships in Western societies. Yet still, romantic love had its burdens of being a transactional process.
Nevertheless, for a long time in history women were auctioned off by their fathers. Women chose to marry ‘rich’, and oftentimes women were expected to marry an ambitious man, and in exchange for her hand in marriage she was promised a life of financial independence, a “good life” and he was promised an accessory as it pertains to his beautiful wife and kids. This was a framed image throughout history and modern day. The family of four. It works, but the primary substance of that relationship is transactional. Once someone begins to slack on their half of the transaction is where problems begin to arise.
In modern history, authors such as Bell Hooks and Sylvia Path emphasize a love of “transformation”. Not just romantic endeavors but also the love of a group of friends. A group of individuals that care about the most basic element of you to exist. A love that is not driven by a need for something. A need for a transaction. Just a love that wishes to see you excel in whatever endeavors or ways you choose to. Though this love primarily exists in friendships, there can be overlaps in romantic relationships.
A transformative romantic relationship is the pinnacle of a 21st century Gen Z love story. To find someone that loves you not for what you can offer to them, but the purest version of yourself. Free of constraints and limitations, but simply with the intention of love. Love at its purest form. And I guess people call this fairytale love, but if as a society we strive for below our standards, we will only continue to get into transactional relationships.
And whether it be romantically or platonically, the relationship will always feel as if there is a lack thereof. One must always be in an act of carrying their half. The notion of ‘50/50’, ‘80/20’, reflects capitalism at its finest. There’s a reason why Middle school “relationships” are as memorable to us than any other that comes after. There’s a pureness in the transformational nature of those relationships when you genuinely don’t exchange things of monetary value. Because we all know that Gen Z doesn’t have much to give. (Joking)
Anyways, the capitalist nature of relationships is always what leads to their demise. The exchange of love for a split in cheques and responsibilities reflects the lack of love therein. Popular social media guru Shera Seven speaks on this topic best. If you’re seeking love and transformation from a relationship, the furthest thing you should look for is a transactional one. But of course, her point is overshadowed.
Ultimately, a trade off with the person you love — should never be entitled to numeric contributions if it's true and pure.
Transformational relationships are rare and oftentimes the most unexpected. It’s when you find yourself, because out of a cocoon do you graze the edge and begin to prosper.
